Man Points

A Theory of Male Homo Sapiens Behavior

This rather strange story is a way of trying to explain why men do what men do. When you see a guy riding a motorbike on a frigid day in February, it’s perfectly reasonable to think the guy is nuts. But he can’t help it. He’s just a citizen of Man Planet hunting for Man Points.

Man Planet exists for all men. Some men are aware of Man Planet others are not, yet all go there at one time or another. When a man really focuses, Man Planet feels like an actual place, but it’s imaginary — a way of thinking — a centralized repository of Man Ideas located in the purely sophomoric hormonal reptilian brain of human males.

To go there, think of the wackiest, yet most enjoyable things you do — like playing football in the mud, barefoot waterskiing, bungee jumping, elk hunting, “reading” Playboy, shotgunning beers, watching NASCAR, taking your girlfriend to a Rambo movie, or riding your motorcycle in 20° weather — remember that it’s not all about being stupid, insane, or anything gender-specific. Not about any lack of certain physical attributes, or sexual orientation, honestly. No, it’s really, mostly about doing things that are, well, kind of crazy.

The rules of Man Planet are simple. There is very little contemplation, and certainly no planning. It’s about urges. About feeling good about yourself. Getting outside your comfort zone. Living life rather than watching it on TV. Naturally, the global slogans of Man Planet are “Go With Your Gut,” and “Live For Today.”

The central activity of Man Planet, and its almost exclusive reason for being, is the acquisition of Man Points. Why? There’s no explaining it. It just is.

The awarding of Man Points is odd, to be sure. Silently, without even knowing it most of the time, Man is keeping a ledger in his head, a Man Points scorecard of sorts about himself and other men. One can award Man Points to oneself, of course. One can also award Man Points to a stranger even though the stranger does not know it. In fact, if you are awarding Man Points to a stranger, he’s probably awarding them to himself, too. Man points can be deducted, but that’s another story.

Man Points can be competitive, or not. The guy with the giant tires and giant shocks on his giant four-wheeler is probably more competitive than the guy with the little yellow VW Bug, then again, the guy in the Bug could be a skydiver, the crack-heads of Man Points. Make sense?

A Man Points Story: You commute to work on your motorbike. Man Points. It’s about 100 miles round trip, not a trivial ride, especially in February. Man Points. It’s just sunrise when you start out, and it’s probably going to be dark when you head home. Man Points. You wear a Gerbing’s heated jacket liner, turned all the way up to hot-high. No Man Points. (Heated clothing is a must on a cold day, but is sometimes called a “wussy-suit,” so you don’t get Man Points unless it’s snowing.) There are no other bikes on the road. Man Points.

No, wait. Three quarters through the commute you see another bike coming in the opposite direction. You wave, he waves back. Even though you have no idea who he is, you give him Man Points. Even though he has no idea who you are, he gives you Man Points. You give yourself Man Points. He gives himself Man Points. You both smile. See how it simply it works?

The hope here is to provide a shorthand explanation for some of the things Man does. So, now you know, when you think cliff diving, hurricane surfing, bull riding, funnel drinking, skydiving, and winter motorcycling, don't think crazy, think Man Points.